I took a "So called quiz....My twin is tadaaaaa

I kinda knew that lol... Well I havent written in a while. I have been working a WHOLE lot lately and havent had much time online. Lorren has been ok to me so I haven't had much to rant about. Well Sue left!!! YAY! That bitch is finally gone. lol. I'm talking to my dad again. He has a placa and is living in Orange. I'm glad that I found him. Well there have been some close calls with Lorren. It has made me rethink a lot of things. My mother moved again to Texas (big shocker). The frightening part is that I think I'm turning into her. I can feel myself getting bored again, and wanting a change. I dunno I need to experience things. I wanna ditch work and go traveling. I think that if I leave now I will never acomplish anything in my life. I dunno there are many choices. I could stay with my dad or my mom, but me and Dan dont get along so I think if I do leave I would go see my dad. I cut my hair freaking off!! I gave it to locks of love. Its sooooo much better now. Also I've been watching this show called Inuyasha in place of Sopranos. Its a great anime!!! I never really got into anime until this, but it is my favorite show at the moment. I watch it religiously. I dunno Lorren is having the time of his life and I'm just going through life and not having any fun. Also I have this horrid zit on my nose!!!!! It really sucks. Well I'm leaving now. I won't let the door hit my ass on the way out.

Ok Lorren went to New York right, and there was a guy selling bootleg copies of Spiderman 2 on the side of the road. They asked the guy if it was a camera in a movie theater and he said no its a copy of the master. Lorren didnt believe him and bought one for five and Jay bought one for ten. They go home and put it on the DVD player and Jay's DVD had some guys head in the way in a movie theater, but when Lorren put his in it was a copy of the master in wide screen great quality.
To make a long story short I got to watch Spiderman 2 in my room 2 weeks after it was released into theaters. Its great!

 I finally got to meet Lorrens new sister-in-law... Charlie and her came down for a week from Colorado. She hardly talked at all the whole time. I don't think she really liked any of us. She seemed very stuck-up towards us like she was better. Charlie bought her a sunfire and she had her nails done. I wish I could have someone take care of me like that. Lorren doesnt even care about me anymore. He's so stingy when It comes to money. He wants to buy for himself only. I just wish I could be taken care of for a change. Maybe get some high-lights and get my nails done. I hate being poor. Even Harris' wife has nice clothes and stuff. I just wish that I could afford to feel pampered. Its always about him though. Seeing the way Charlie and Angel acted together made me lonely. He shows me no affection and says it my fault because I piss him off. If you don't do exactly what he wants at that moment he gets pissed off, so theres no way to win. He gets angry at everything. No matter what you do. He doesn't care about me at all, shows me no love. I'm only 19 I don't want to feel like im 40 in a loveless marriage. I think its time for me to get out. He treated me like shit in public today too. He made me feel low and worthless in front of his brother. Barking orders at me left and right like I were some common house maid. He used me. I have to rub his back or he bitches, file his feet or he bitches, and cook for him. I all I get in return is grief. I feel so ashamed when  he makes me look stupid in front of other people. I tried to grab his hat today and he hit me with it in front of his brother. His brother isnt stupid he knows when his own flesh and blood isnt happy. If Lorren could have seen the look on his face he would have know why I felt so embarassed and low. He doesn't have enough respect for me to tell me off in private. He thinks that anytime you tell him no that you are making his life miserable. He is on this computer from that moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed. He never lets me use it without first ignoring me then finally giving in, and if I get fed up with it and finally say something he says im not making him happy and he wants me to go sleep in the other room. So basically if he doesnt get his way I'm gone. There is no love here anymore. He uses me for money so he can sit  around and make his little websites and take more money from my check than I do. This week I had 27 left. I had to buy a movie and he didnt offer to help me pay for it. So that left me with 7 and I got a sandwich. I PAY FOR EVERYTHING. Even when he had a job. He had to have at least 40 to be satisfied. He got 30 from my check and he spent it all on himself. Including going to the summer pops when I was working, but for some reason its Ok. I don't think so. Its BULLSHIT! If I didnt have a job I would be gone. All he cares about is getting  his precious computer paid off. He doesnt care about anything else. Oh and his stuff. When Mike and Shawn talk to him he chats for hours he wont even talk to me for more than 5 min without telling me to shutup. WELLL IM NOT GONNA SHUT UP ANY MORE!!!!!!! < . > I fucking hate this. I need to make a change im my life. This isn't working anymore.

Well I haven't written all week because I've been working everyday. Works been boring. Same ol', same ol'. I've been getting into techno more. Me and Elisa listen to it. Lorren quit his job, I think I might have written about that already. The computer is kinda boring lately. I don't really go on as much anymore. I still love it though. I wish I could make some friends online. Then the internet would be better. Lorren has tons of friends online that he chats with. Thats probuably why he likes it so much. I don't know sometimes I feel like the only person with no close friends. I wish I had someone I could confide in. I don't know everytime I get friends there is trouble between me and lorren. He doesnt like me hanging out with anyone. Oh well..... I will keep looking until I find a true best friend. Maybe I will never find a kindred spirit......

 Song of the week: "Something" by Lasgo

Me and Elisa went to this little mystical shop in Mystic and we had a tarot reading. It was neat. He told me that me and Lorren wouldn't last and I would find true love in my early 20's. I dunno if I believe in things like that. I must say he was verry perceptive, but I'm not quite sure I believe that tarot can read your future. I have such a technical mind. If  I don't see it I won't believe in it. I wish I wasn't like that, I wish I could except other beliefs. Seriously I don't really have any beliefs of my own. I believe in science to a certain extent, but its not spiritually fullfilling. I mean there are parts of me who wants to be interested in Paganism and Wicca, but then my mind interferes. I wasn't really raised in a religious setting so I think that affected what I believe in. I dunno if I will ever find my true beliefs and become spiritually enlightened. Everytime I try to get involved in a religion I get this weird feeling inside. I always had this theory that people who believe in the supernatural are off their rocker. I guess I just don't have an open mind. I love the whole herbal healing thing and gemstone therapy. I also think yoga is cool and meditation. I used to try to meditate, but I don't think I was very good at it. It made me very sleepy and I think that its supposed to make people feel energized. I dunno maybe I just don't wanna face my true self. Its hard for me to believe in things that I don't see. I just don't have much faith. Maybe thats why I question Christianity. Lorren is a lot like that. He doesn't believe in any religion. I dunno if I adapted some of his beliefs. Well anyways who knows. I feel content in my mind believing in whatever. Maybe I will just get over it and explore other religions. I'm reading "true magick" right now. I got it from that shop. The have all kinds of cool stone and herbs and jewelry. Its really cool in there. The reading said that I would have a good career in photography or journalism.

Soprano's Overview: Well Tony finally wacked his cousin. Chris went into hiding and Johnny Sac and Tony made up. Shortly after to my surprise though Johnny got raided by the FBI. Apparently there was a rat. The rat gave them 18 years of information. Thats good for Tony because he wont have to worry about Johnny's cartel anymore. It was an ok finally. I just wish it would have been better.

He quit his job so I have a feeling that he is gonna be meaner than ever. He gets bored and he takes it out on me. I have to go back to work today at 7. I only have to work til 1 so I'm kinda lucky. Anyways I know I made more than 44 hours last week because I worked like 3 11 hour shift days. I hate that Lorren is gonna be around 24/7 because that means that he will never let me use the computer or watch what I want to. It aggervates me when he does that. I wonder if Harry Potter was good. I wanted to see it but Lorren said there would be a bunch of kids there with short attention spans. He was right. Lately he has been more mean than ever. If I say one thing to him he jumps down my throat. It is not pleasant at all. I dunno why he's like that. Me and Mary went grocery shopping today. The place was packed! We bought some good stuff though. Well I gotta go.

Lorren thinks that it would be best that we don't go tonight, because he said that there will be too many kids there tonight. He is right but I really wanted to go see it in theaters this weekend. Oh well!!! Anyways I still havent gotten the right amount of sleep. Lorren keeps waking me up when I want to sleep. I dunno I just wish that I would have some peace to sleep when I want to. Well I gotta go clean the room......

I cant wait for the prisoner of Azkaban on Friday. I bought the book so I could read it before I go see the movie. I can't though..... Hopefully I make it til then. Sopranos and New Harry Potter in one week!!! Great weekend for cable and theaters. Well I'm out I just wanted to add that little tid-bit. Laterzzz

I was refering to this song by that band O-town called "All or Nothing". The words are really beautiful. I know its fabricated, but its a really powerful song. Anyways Elisa has started to train me. Its kind of exciting, but I still feel weird about doing it in front of my co-workers. I know a lot of them are going for the same job and I've never been a competitive type of person. I just dont feel comfortable when I'm competing against someone. I dunno I don't have the balls for it. Anyways, Its cool. Sopranos in 2 days!!!!!!!!!! The season finally is gonna be awesome!!!! I can't wait. I think I have to work that night, but I will find some way to see it either sunday or monday. I can't wait to see what happens with Chris and Johnny Sac. Lorren said that Chris is supposed to be taking out someone it could be Johnny or Crazy Eyes(thats my nickname for the cousin). He got Tony into a lot of trouble so I think it will be him. Chris hates him too. Bought Aqua Teen hunger force DVD. Well actually Lorren did. I told him not to blow his money but its still cool that we have it. He want to get a cell phone. I told him good luck paying for it because hes not getting the money from me. I'm listening to this song called Family Portrait. It reminds me a lot of my family. Divorce really sucks. My family was way more screwed up than that song. My friend Ashley used to listen this song like it applied to her, like she could relate to it. She has no earthly idea what this song it about. Her dad is around and her parents have been together for years. She couldn't relate. She says her life sucks but she has loving parents that care about her and a boyfriend that bows to her every need and she still is a drama queen. My God!!! If she had to have my life she wouldnt make it. I actually have to work and I have no close friends. I mean she has everything anybody could want. I dunno it just aggervates me when a person who has all these things that you can never have emotionally, and youre alone, wants you to feel bad for them. No way!!!! Have my life and parents for two seconds youde wish you were yourself again. Well enough bickering I have to sleep I'm tired.

I Havent written because there really isnt anything to wirte about. I've been really bored lately and when I get bored I get depressed. Lorren has been feeling the same way. Were both just tired of being in this town. I definitely need to get my license. I keep putting it off because I can walk anywhere I need to go, but I need to get out and have some fun. Me and Lorren need to do things together. I have a big check coming next week I think some of it is going on a license and maybe saving for a car. I need to pull my head out of my ass and actually stick to something. I've started the Rachael Ray site. I made a backsplash pic for the site. Its the New York Skyline. I need to remake it because it has the twin towers on it. Lorren said that might ruffle a few feathers. I dunno work is extremly boring these days. No one jokes around anymore. It all constant bickering. Robbie is making work extremly crappy. All he does is sulk around and yell at people. I dunno I can't stand working around someone who is so cranky and tempermental. He and Sue are two of a kind. They act exactly the same way. I'm begining to wonder if thats intentional. I mean he started acting like that as soon as she did. I think he thinks that if he acts more like her he might get promoted. Its just unpleasant!! Noone has any fun anymore at work. Just a lot of people taking their frustrations out on others. Maybe I shouldn't have went back there. The pay is good though. Maybe its because I have no friends. I wish I could meet some online, but I can't meet any normal people online. Their all weirdos that want to cyber or fight with you. I'm sorry but get a life! You would act like if you were talking face-to-face with someone. I'm sick of ad-ware too.. Everytime I got anywhere its on my computer. You can't do anything online anymore without something weird being put into your computer. Its aggervating. This town is probuably the main reason. There is nothing to do in this town for people between the ages of 18-21, and the bars for people over the age of twenty are holes in the wall. All the 30 somethings go there. You have to drive at least 40 minutes to find a good place. I haven't even been to any of the clubs in Providence. Lorren goes sometimes, but he never takes me. I think is ashamed of me. I think he doesn't want his friends to see me now..... I wish he would appreciate me more. I love to dance and shoot pool and when Lorren goes he never takes me. He leaves me out. I hate that! That night when him and Jay went to cleats and he played pool and he came home bragging about it pissed me off!!! I specifically told him that I wanted to shoot pool with him, because I wanna show him that I can beat him. If I wanna go out , No way!!!. I'm not allowed to have any fun because he doesnt trust me.... Oh well I dont care anymore. I wanna do something fun sometimes. If he can have friends and do stuff then i can do the same. Its works both ways. The money issue is a big one too. As of now I'm paying all the bills except for his half of the rent and his computer, and yet he still is able to go out and buy things for himself. He's robbing Peter to pay paul. (In other words he taking money from me) I swear every week he asks me for money. I give him twenty or forty dollars and he sitll treats me like shit. Who knows???? Well I'm out.....

Song of the Day: "Sorry 2004" by Ruban Studdard

Sopranos Overview: One more episode this season. They postponed it until next week. I can't wait. Although I'm bummed that I will have to wait another year for the fifth and final season.

I don't know why Lorren is the way he is...... I stay late with Elisa and help her count down drawers to learn the money and he jumps on my case about being out until 3:30. I don't know why its ok to go hang out with Jay and stay out all day until 9 pm, but its not ok for me to be at WORK that late. Tonight the back-up was short 26 and the deposit was short 4 and I had to double count Elisa's drawers to find the money for her. Not only was I learning valuable things, but I was getting paid for it. I don't understand why he has to be so mean and controlling. I just want to get promoted and get paid more. I'm soooo exhausted because I worked 12 hours today and Lorren doesn't understand anything. He only got 14 hours this week and he still calls me lazy and a stupid Idiot. I know that its not his fault, but he's enjoying his days off and I have to work my ass off and get treated like shit. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is ever good enough for him. He hates me and I can't take it anymore. I wish he still loved me. He's being as mean as possible to get me to leave. Everytime we have a fight he tells me to get out of the house. How can he treat me like that? How can he sit there and call me a stupid Ignorant f&(% and think its alright. I mean yea I'm mean to him. Everytime I get him something he says its not good enough and he find something wrong with it. Yet he always asks me to cook for him. He never compliments me and tells me I look pretty or nice. I seriously am beginning to think that I'm am stupid and ugly. I just want to make him happy. Maybe if I lose weight it will make him happy he doesn't love me as much now as he did when I was skinny. I seriously think that if I died he would be happy. That way he would be rid of me and he wouldn't have to think of reason to try to get me out. He probuably would go out with Jay or Dan that night. Thats how uncaring he would be if I dissapeared. No one truely cares about me anymore. They all care about what I do and who I do it for, but they could care less about me. I know I havent been a perfect person in my life, but I wish I had at least one friend. Someone to turn to when things get rough and I need a shoulder to cry on. I love Lorren, but he makes me feel like shit inside.....